Woman Empowerment Wednesday

I need some empowerment today. I dont have any to give. I know. This is a shocker, right? Well today I feel like this:

Of course probably the biggest stress Ive had all semester occurs this week, when we start exam season. My stomach is in knots, I cant focus and I just want to cry, and chain smoke (Im not even a smoker really) and drink bottles of wine. Why? Well, hang on to your seats. So Monday was ECG exam. I wish all exams were as straight forward as that one. Here's to maybe getting 100% on a med school exam! I decided to see Ron Burgandy Monday night. We hung out, and laughed, giggled and cuddled as usual. In the morning, my life changed. Tuesday morning was almost too much to handle. So what happened? Well, things got a little out of hand. I have never snapped at him like I did, but for lack of details, he goofed. BIG TIME. So we had gotten ourself into a little mess, but he was a stand up guy and resolved the issue. All day in the forefront of my brain was what am I going to do about my relationship with him. It was time we revisited an ultamatum: Date me like a proper woman or we cant be friends. This friends with benefits thing KILLS me because I want more from him so badly. AND I know he is emotionally involved with me too, but it just hasnt happened. So I stayed with him last night because we both were nervous and scared of the rectification route we chose to "right our wrongs" if you will. This morning I woke up, cuddled with him, walked out the door and cried. I just let it all out. The past 24 hours has been a complete emotional rollercoaster. I dont cry. I always say emotions arent real. But today, they exist. I sent him a text saying he needs to decide. And he responded that right now his focus is on business and not on women, but he doesnt want to lose my company and friendship and is afraid to date me because ill end up disappointed with this commitment since his focus is his business and career. I respect that. But it still stabs me. I told him I cant be friends with him and see him because of how I feel about him and he told me to take some time away and see if we can work it out. I dont want to. I want him to tell me how Im his priority. Its not happening. I dont want to be friends with him, I want time apart to detox and forget about him. 

So here I am, with ITS (Irritable Tears Syndrome....kinda like IBS but not involving my butt). The last time I cried was watching the Kardashian wedding. I cant focus. Oh, AND THEN, I check my email yesterday and lo and behold, BATMAN emailed me. I will copy and paste it for you so you can read it in all its glory ( i will annotate in parenthesis):

"Monica,

I think you shot me a text message a few days back (Nope, no I didnt. It was a few weeks back. Way to keep up with time). I've been through three phones since then so you'll have to forgive the fact it took me a while to figure out that you did and since your number was on the phone that. Broke I had to figure out whose number it was.(couldnt you have simply texted me back..."Im sorry I have a new phone...who is this?" instead of just NOT responding....you are such a liar) I have horrible phone luck. How are you doing? How's classes? I'm packing to move to sheridan (awesome. Closer to me) and I've been working on my legal process class in my free time. Work has died down recently so I'm back working 10 _ 11 hrs... normalcy. 

I am off to sleep, (I was up late last night)

Hope all is well with you. Drop me a line when you can - H"

Seriously????? ugh. I wrote back that all is well with me. Im playing the nice card. Does he NOT realize he dumped me out of nowhere a month ago???? Whatever, it was just the icing on the cake yesterday. I hate men. Sigh. Why why why why why? Ok, I feel a little better now after venting about my crappy day. The tears I shed typing this have dried. Maybe Ill find some empowerment squatting today at the gym to write about. Sorry if I totally put a downer on your day.

My Body Hates Me

Yep, no joke. It HATES me. I love it though. It carried me 15 miles today. As some of you know, Im training for the ING Miami Half Marathon and have been working hard at it. My plan was to up my long run today to 6 miles. Well, Carrie and I ended up walking a whole 15 miles! From Pompano to Deerfield. Down A1A. And, all I had to eat today was toast and 3 cups of coffee. At the end, I felt fatigued, aching everywhere, starving, dehydrated and delerious. But damn it, I walked 15 miles. Watch out ING! If I can walk 15 I sure as hell can run your 13.1. Although, this is pretty much my thoughts of the walk today:

So this weekend was fun. I ran with Brit on Friday, and studied ALL night long. Yesterday I lifted at the gym, saw my dad, had dim sum for lunch with my amazing brother and went to an informational dinner on rotations. Im pretty sold on applying for the Alabama site. I know its 8 hours from home, but I think I am ready for a life change. I have no troubles adapting to new people and environments, and quite honestly am tired of South Florida. I love the weather and the beach, but  HATE the materialistic fake atmosphere. Im ready to live in a place with good ol boys and sweet tea on the porch. So hopefully I get assigned there, and Ill be moving after boards in June. EXCITING!! Then I studied EKG til 12:30 with my classmate (out exam is tomorrow. yuck). Today I woke up early and went to church with my school friends to see Anthony Evans. He makes me sweat and have heart palpitations. SO HOT. I love him. oh, and he can sing. But honestly, I dont care about his voice. I mean I do, but Ill still love and lust over him when he cant sing anymore (which is why he should just marry me)

Tomorrow starts the race to december. 3 weeks, 8 finals. And Im so ready for December 2nd. Bring it finals!

Tasty Men Thursday

Today, I visit a hottie thru the years, Senor Mario Lopez!!

id give my kidney to be on that boat

He's a finisher, alright!

one for mario, one for me

awwwwwwwwwww

Zach has NOTHING on Slater

Women Empowerment Wednesday

Ladies, I have found the secret to eternal happiness. I am about to tell you about how you can have a relationship that is always faithful, loving, and lasts a lifetime. This love will knock your socks off, encourage you daily, and take you places you only dreamt about. And the most amazing thing about this relationship, is it is with yourself. Now, I know I may sound crazy so hear me out here. I have preached millions of times to my best friends that you will never EVER be happy with someone else in a relationship until you are happy with yourself. And I believe this whole heartedly. Life will never go your way until you decide to take responsibility for yourself, love yourself, and put yourself and your well being first. A man cannot give you any of this (or woman if you swing that way).

An awesome misconception society has drilled into us is true love with a partner is like two halves becoming one. WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! When you enter into any relationship (friendship, working, or romantic) you must be a whole person. If you are a "half" person, you will forever rely on the other half to be whole and complete. You will never do anything by yourself, or for yourself, because you will always be consulting the other half. The beauty of love is when two whole people, who know who they are, what they are, where theyve come from, and where they are going, blend together, remaining individuals that enhance each others wholeness. These are the healthy, lasting relationships.
But you cannot even begin to achieve that level of intimacy and happiness with another person until you have achieved it with yourself. Be intimate with yourself (and if that involves a vibrating apparatus, well so be it). Ladies, we need to know ourselves. When I look in the mirror, I see more than myself, with brown hair, brown eyes, apple cheeks and a chunky waistline. I see a beautiful, intelligent, honest, dedicated, driven, compassionate future doctor. I see love, caring, wit, Independence and grace. I have no imperfections, no matter what Cosmo, Hollywood or the BMI scale tells me. This is the nirvana we as women should be encouraged to achieve. Its not easy to achieve, nor is it easy to maintain. Trust me. Ive been emotionally and verbally beaten by men who said theyve loved me. Ive been dumped on, felt inadequate and misled by a lot of people. But I dont let that change who I am. Unlike a man, I love myself, everyday, no matter what. I will never leave me for a prettier woman, or a greedy business venture. I will never harm myself, physically or emotionally, and I will always go to bed, and wake up, with me. We are the only lasting relationship we can guarantee ourselves; we should nurture this relationship.

say it loud, say it proud. I love myself!

So this brings me to the posed question of why I am attempting to give up Ron Burgundy (which, btw, I did spent the night with him Monday night, and I told him what a jerk I thought he was, and how I feel like he treats me like crap...he agreed, apologized, and said it would get better). You see, I love him. I really do. But loving him also means I have to beat my own emotions down, because I cant express them. Being in his life means I put him first, and me second, and I start to neglect the permanent, irreplaceable relationship Ive built with myself. My brain and good sense tells me this goes against everything I believe in. I cant be in any sort of relationship with him because I cant be a whole person in it; Im down graded to a half person, reliant on his assurance that Im good enough. Its not healthy nor conducive to my relationship with me. Now my heart totally hates this idea. I wont be in Burgundy rehab anytime soon, I know this. He could text me right now and Id drop everything to cuddle with him and spend time with him. But by deleting him from my facebook and my phone, the process has begun. In time, the more distance I place between him and I , the more whole I become again, until I realize, yet again, I will always be good enough to be loved by myself.

bows, hoes, healthfairs and hotties

Well, this weekend was a shitshow. An awesome one. Let's start Friday. Friday was bows and hoes night!!! It was amazeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-ing. Me and Charlotte shopped a little and had some quality bestie time. Then we met up with the rest of the Sex and the City girls and the Geisha. Had some dinner at my favorite restaurant, and got complimented on our bows! We are adorable. This is NOT up for debate. We then convinced our Geisha to 30 minutes at blue martini with us. (This was at 10 pm or so) We all left around midnight. Yep, it was a good ol time of objectifying men (oldies, firefighters, bouncers, you know, thats how we roll) and drinking oh so delicious martinis. We even took control of the photographer's camera and produced this little gem:

Gangster, I know. So I stayed the night at Carrie's (didnt arrive there til 2 am bc of a miscommunication with my mother which I prefer to not revisit right now). I had to be up at 6:45 to get to the Delray Healthfair on time. So I rushed to get ready, and ran down the stairwell of her building to get to my car. I found myself locked in a windowless cement hallway, and wasnt sure how to get out. I wanted to at this point sit down and cry. So I called Carrie to bail me out and even though her phone was on silent, intuition told her to check it. She got me to my car, and off I went to the healthfair. I saw some patients, made a new friend in my class, and scarffed down some delicious Haitian food. Havent had homecooked griol and pikliz since my trip to Haiti in March. My belly was happy. Then I went to my moms and napped with my kitties. Post nap, mom made me dinner, then bailed on our Journey tribute concert. I headed home, but didnt wanna go home. I know Ron Burgundy had plans, so I called Carrie (shes ALWAYS up for wife mischief). I went to her house, and we ended up at our favorite little beach pub, The Briny.We went and were (as usual) the prettiest, youngest girls there. We had an encounter with a sociopath who told me he met me last weekend in Ft. Lauderdale (he did not), that he did me last weekend (he DEFINITELY did not), he was a boat captain (another lie) and he liked me better than Carrie (this was after he told her we wanted to break her eye glasses). To our rescue came a middle aged Bostonian with an awesome accent. He wasnt creepy, just saw two young girls being made very uncomfortable by a whack job. We talked to him and his friend all night, and decided to cash out and go home. And our receipt looked like this:

I love the Briny bartenders. We are apparently hotties.

Today, we went for a 5.6 mile walk down A1A and it was glorious!!!!!! Such a gorgeous day. We talked about all sorts of stuff, and I trespassed onto someones dock on their intracoastal property to be a badass. Perfect day. Perfect weekend. Back to the reality of med school tomorrow??? NOOOOOOOOOOO! I dont want it.

I also did something therapeutic today. I deleted Burgundy from my FB and phone. It makes me crazy to know he is doing things without me, and I need to get over him. So if he texts me, then Ill talk to him. Otherwise, I have no way of contacting him or seeing what he is up to. And its better for my mental health that way.

What I want, DAMNIT!!

I awoke from my midday 4 hour nap (with my babies!!! I miss my kitties and they napped with their mom!!!) and I had a thought: all I want is a man who does the following for me:

Buys me cats. Especially an orange one.

Goes to see the Heavy Pets with me.

Let's me take naps, whenever I want.

Buys me diamonds in excess.

Buys me cupcakes. I love cupcakes.

Will watch Dolphins football with me, and cuddle with me when they lose!

Buys me massages.

Bows n Hoes and all things in between.

Last night was insane. Fun, hilarious, delicious, and insane. We had Ron Burgundy over for dinner, and Babs (the fairy godmother) wanted to talk to him about her business ideas and a website he is going to build for her. Well, it started out with me introducing her to Disarrono before Burgundy arrived (i knew I couldnt do this sober). Earlier in the day, I went for a rather pathetic run (first one after taking a week off), cleaned my room, and went for a mud wrap.

OMG, everyone need a mud wrap. They bring you into a sauna shower thing, cover you in mud from the Dead Sea, and bake you in a 175 degree sauna for 30 min with aromatherapy, phototherapy, delicious detoxifying tea, and sounds of the ocean, birds, and harp music. HEAVEN. But I knew it would take more than the mud wrap to calm my nerves. I dont know why I still get so nervous around Ron. Ive been seeing him and hanging out with him since August (maybe even July). We have the best time together and can be silly. But still, my nerves get shot ( I guess I really really really do like him ALOT). So we drank disarrono and sat on the porch and talked about men past, and life. I love my fairy godmother. As I looked at the clock, and saw it was nearing "dinner party time", I changed into this sexy little black wrap around dress. This wasnt a formal dinner, but I wanted to look HOT so he couldnt take his eyes off me. It worked (i think). So he came over, we ate an amazing meal, and I kept downing white wine (which im not particularly a fan of) to get through the conversation that included his life story (Babs was interviewing him like I would expect parents to when they meet the boyfriend for the first time), travel stories, bath house information, and just any odd topic you can imagine. It was fun. Mister Burgundy did some consulting about Bab's business venture idea, and then he had to leave because he still had some work to do for his business down in Miami. I was sad. I wanted to spend more time with him, but was thankful for the time we got. So i walked him outside, and got my goodnight kiss. We also will probably see each other on Sunday.
I dont understand why I am so spun about him. Ok, I do, but I mean, its unreasonably difficult for me to just walk away from our friendship thing we have. I know we wont date anytime in the near future (hes just too busy with work, and trying to get his program launched and off the ground) and I support than 100%. I mean, Im in med school. Im busy too. But we have the most intelligent, deep conversations. His brilliant mind just attracts and intrigues me. I feel like our chemistry is magnificent, and hes so unique. Plus he is out right HOT. I guess Ill just continue to pine over him, hang out with him, and know in my heart I'll want more and hope that sooner than later he wants more too.

Whatever, more importantly, tonight is girls night!!! All us Sex and the City girls will be decked out in bows (our theme is bows n hoes) and we are going to dinner, and maybe a bar. I cannot wait!! We are also being joined by our favorite little Geisha (Charlotte's sister in law) and its going to be extraordinary!! I have two outfits planned, one if the weather is over 70 degrees, and one for if its under. Im always prepared. Regardless, the bow decorating will be over the top and awesome. I have an exam on heartsounds or something like that in 90 minutes that i just dont care about. I think I'll pass it, but honestly, couldnt care less right now. Then its lifting, and girls time!!! Tomorrow I have to be up at the butt crack of dawn to volunteer at a health fair. Im very excited. I love using the skills and knowledge Ive learned so far to help people have access to some form of healthcare. This weekend should provide entertaining blogs for the next week! Have an awesome Friday!